I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
