One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Boobs speak an international language.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
