Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
