I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
