i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
