I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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