Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
