Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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