"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
