So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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