I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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