Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
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Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
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I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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