She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
