im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
