hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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