Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
