I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
