areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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