i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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