i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
