Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
