if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
