i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
