I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Sorry about my life...
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