We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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