Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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