Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
