Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
