i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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