3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
