i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
