y did u give ur computer a hand job?
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
