break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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