if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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