Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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