On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
