remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
