I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Randomize
