But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
