Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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