"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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