Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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