who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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