the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
