I cannot find my penis.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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