So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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