just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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