I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
