i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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