Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
