there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
