Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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