capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
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Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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