somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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