I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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