Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
