There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
