her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
