I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
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