why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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