i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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