you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
