You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
